Day 6, 1541HRS
Approx. 100.3miles inland of Jeddah

If I’m committed to winning the war against terror by purely non-lethal means, perhaps someone should ask the terrorists if they’re possibly open to winning the war for terror by the same means, too.

Because as I sit here, surveying several burly men with big machine guns march purposefully around a courtyard, it seems a little bit unfair. You know what? I should have joined the Army. I bet an Army man in this situation would have just scoffed and called in a fleet of Apaches, watching them decimate every thing that so much as crawled without permission while sucking on a big fat cigar. Snot fair.



Still grumbling, I leap down to ground level and start to crouch-walk my way around the far side of the open space, cautiously scampering between pillars when the coast is clear. Finally, I’m behind them, but I need to get up the scaffolding to the left and into the building beyond. Curses, I’m going to have to go through them. Not time to give up and reach for the shotgun yet, though.


I count to ten under my breath and sprint forward, my training as a spy allowing me to temporarily silence even the most thunderous of footfalls. The first target is reached, a guard slightly apart from his buddies, I hook my arm around his throat and pull hard until he falls with a sigh.


Another one is conducting his patrol just beyond him. I run up behind him, grab his arm and throw him around, his head cracking on the floor and knocking him out.


The final guard in open space is circling closer, and he hasn’t yet noticed he’s alone. I flank around behind a truck and knock him out, too. There’s one more on this level, and I’m going to have to get rid of him quickly before he notices the prone forms scattering the floor. I sneak up behind him but, just before I’m close enough, the lone sentry on the scaffolding spots me and raises the alarm. My prey turns to see me and, without hesitation, my elbow dents his cheek and he falls.

The final sentry is on the move, his rifle raised, trying to get a shot on me. I duck behind a crate and stay down while bullets knock chunks out of the wood. Then I hear a sound like a coconut bouncing along the ground and a grenade nestles itself next to my foot. I didn’t like this cover anyway, this cover blows. I’m going somewhere else.


As I rise and head for another life-preserving chunk of rock, metal or wood a trail of lead follows me. I swerve under an arch and flank around, stopping behind a pillar significantly closer to my target. The gunfire echoes and dies. He’s reloading! I sprint forward, he sees me approach and starts to backpedal away as he draws a full magazine out of his pocket and inserts it, but not quickly enough to stop me reaching him.


My regards to your DENTIST.


I’m getting ever-closer to my objective, the arms dealer. The last large area is a convention of military hardware, toys that make things explode line the walls and sprinkle the floor. I make a beeline for the buffet table.


I’m not in any mood to queue.


I make quick work of the bad guys, knocking them out cold one by one without anyone noticing. Hasn’t anyone ever seen a horror movie? Never go around in single file, or you’ll find yourself fast lacking a rear element. Christ, if Jurassic Park 2 is to be believed even dinosaurs know that trick. With the room empty, I return to the centre and do something silly: try to unlock the safe. The adrenaline makes it impossible for me to concentrate on the delicate work and an alarm goes off. Hide behind the tank! THE TANK! If Metal Gear Solid taught you anything, it's that untended tanks are great hiding places!

Two guards pad in, looking around, before lowering their weapons and marching smartly back the way they came, and I can breathe again. Time to meet my arms dealer. I walk towards the exit.


Wait, what’s this? Well, heeelloooo there, aren’t you a gorgeous piece of cutting edge military technology?

Okay, I really, really don’t think this will go wrong. If I override it, I’ll be all the better for the experience points. It'll ask me if it wants me to fire it after that. I can just say no thank you, carry on to the dealer and no-one will be any the wiser.


JESUS TUBTHUMPING CHRIST

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