It's a fair cop.


Released: 27 July 2006 [JP], 6 March 2007 [UK]
Developer: Cavia
Selected titles:
Drakengard (2003)
Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles (2007)
Nier (2010)

Note: This game is unlike any of the others I’ve exhibited in this column so far. Firstly, it’s not an FPS. Secondly, it’s an Xbox 360 exclusive, whereas everything else I’ve been playing (and intend to play) is on PC. However, that Metacritic average should tell you all you need to know regarding Bullet Witch’s credentials for judgement. I propose shoving it in a sack, hurling the sack into a pond and firing the pond into a volcano. It's the only way to be sure.

Here you are, callous and toughened by hardship in the grim ultra-future of 2012. You fall down a manhole and black out, then wake up. It’s 2007! How did that happen. You’re standing in a video game shop. Scissor Sisters are playing on the radio, and a half-awake clerk is stacking Xbox 360 cases for Bullet Witch onto the “New Releases” shelf. Problem is, they keep tumbling off the shelf into the bargain bin. He picks them up. They nosedive again and bury themselves deep within the bin, cowering underneath a dozen copies of Perfect Dark Zero. The clerk decides £5.78 an hour isn’t worth dealing with sentient plastic and shuffles back behind the counter in the hope it’ll be enough of a barrier to keep the customers at bay. You’re too busy giggling at the in-store graphic proposing you part with £425 to preorder a PS3 to notice.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the galaxy...


Released: 17 November 2003
Developer: Kuju Entertainment
Selected titles:
Microsoft Train Simulator (2001)
Sensible Soccer 2006 (2006)
Battalion Wars 2 (2008)

There's a part of me that I both love and hate. It's giddy and excitable and often feels kinship with small yappy dogs. It's the part of me that honestly thought I would enjoy Fire Warrior. I find that part's naïveté endearing, but also face-palm-worthy. Warhammer 40,000! Boy, that looks like fun, all spaceships and machismo and sweaty, unwashed armour plates. I can't even complain about being a Space Marine: they're the bad guys! I'm a Tau, which is sort of what would happen if you crossed a samurai with a Gray from Deus Ex. We're plucky underdogs, and the Imperium bullies are trying to flush our civilisation's head down the bog.